Finding our place of belonging

How is it that when we think we're doing everything we’re supposed to do and follow every good parenting guideline, our kids end up acting irresponsible and at times flat out defiant?   Here is something Alfred Adler talked about: “Perceived Inadequacy”.   What it means is that we are all born dependent on the adults in our lives.   We are limited in our ability to do things for ourselves.  They have all the power.   So right away we kids see the world as not very fair.    We want to feel capable and self reliant but that is an ongoing process.   We have to learn many skills, practice, make numerous mistakes and try again.   All of which  also requires us to have courage and patience.   We also need a few good mentors to help us pave the way into adulthood.    When you think back to when you were a kid, was there a time you remember being irresponsible or even outright defiant? How did you feel?  ...

How do you talk to your kids about their "bad" day in a respectful manner?   I have had several parents ask me, what they can say to their kids when they find out that their kid got in trouble at school or that they are not doing well academically, or when they share that they had a conflict with either another student or a teacher.   To any of these questions one thing to keep in mind is that the relationship always comes first.   If you don’t have the relationship you are not in a position to help your child.   He/she will not hear you.   Furthermore if you are in a fight (open or hidden) you will have very little success in getting their cooperation.   Finding yourself standing in the ring with your boxing gloves on, scowling at each other, ready to draw blood, start taking a step back, breathe and retreat.   If you do not do this, you will lose on all counts.   Believe it or not, you know it’s true.   We’ve all been ...

Mother’s Day has always been a bit of challenging, rocky terrain for me.  Each year as I approach the precipice, I wonder anew, what will be waiting for me on the other side.  It might be because in the past I would look to my family to provide evidence, as to how good, no wait,  how great of a mother I am.   I didn’t grow up having the best relationship with my own mother and I have often felt angry and hurt about the times she wasn’t there when I needed her.   As a mother, I made every attempt to do just the opposite.  Admittedly, the hovering and protecting my child from every possible, invisible doom might have been overdoing it a bit.     But I’ve also come to realize that none of us are perfect.   Still when Mother’s Day rolls around, it once again reminds me of all my possible mess ups and how vulnerable I feel, when I envision them being entered into some esoteric algorithm of measuring up as a mother.   Then so...

Recently I’ve been watching several Ted Talks, as well as other inspirational videos and podcasts.   Those inspirations have definitely served in providing me with enrichment and given me new perspectives and insights.   However, a t the same time, I found myself   somewhat distressed, asking myself if I’m supposed to do something more than what I am already doing.   I started thinking of things in my life that are not where I want them to be and expect them to be and wondering if it is due to some faulty approach.  Or maybe I’m just not doing enough, to make it all happen.   I also wondered; what if others are not finding value in what I am doing, should I do it anyway?   After a few sleepless nights and digging deep, I came up with my answer.  Why am I not the “female” Elon Musk?    Because I am not supposed to be!    We cannot all be Elon Musk.  The world just needs one.   The rest of us are meant...