YOU CAN'T BE PERFECT AND LEARN TO DANCE




I was pondering why people have a difficult time accepting who we are, when we’ve decide to show up as ourselves and no longer play our customary role or “part”.  When we’ve taken on a persona which we’ve created, that hides our imperfections, our vulnerabilities, our secrets, and we’ve been that “person” with our friends and family, we’ve become predictable.  They’ve either accepted certain things about us, or not, but either way that is the person they expect to show up each time.  When we do, they in turn can be in their role. 

I’ve seen this most recently in my own family.  Even when a sibling behaved very badly, as long as everyone knew that’s who “they are”, they had no problem with it.  However, another sibling attempting to do the right thing and changing up the dynamics, doing something helpful for the group, is now seen as the “bad guy” because he stepped outside of his role.  They know how to interact with us and to be in a relationship with us, when we stick to our part.  The dance has been “perfectly” choreographed.  Now if I let down my hair, and I show myself to the world, I am not as predictable anymore.  My friends and family may not quite know what to expect or even how to act.  I’m choosing to play me, not a role I’ve typecast myself into, and now people who’ve known me might feel threatened.  They can no longer follow the same choreographed steps, I’m not dancing that dance.  There are many more chances of a misstep, and no one wants to mess up.  Now, either they can get angry and not dance at all, or they have to take a chance with their own vulnerability.  Which will it be? 

You may have experienced that when you are around your parents or with your kids or old friends.  You’ll try something new that feels right, and step out of line a little and they in turn might say something like: “What’s wrong?”  “Are you ok?”  “You seem kinda different today”.  Or they might think, yeah it’s probably because you’ve had a few extra drinks, that’s why you’re acting strange. So I think it’s important to understand that if we choose to show up as “me”, “you” , we need to be prepared for some resistance from those who have known us for a long time. Realize it is not rejection, but fear of having to be vulnerable, of making a mistake by saying or doing something that will reveal their own imperfections.  Something we might consider trying when we know that someone we are close to and care about is hesitant and uncomfortable “showing up”, is to be supportive by taking the first step. Trying out new dance steps,even if we suck at it , or step on their toes, or look a bit goofy. Let’s dance!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

IS SANTA STEALING THE LIMELIGHT?

Image
The history of Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas dates all the way back to possibly 280 A.D.   If you were good ("Christ-like", angelic) you received a gift from Saint Nicholas, while the bad little kids had to face Krampus and the possibility of being taken in a sack to the black forest.   That was the story I grew up with.   When we moved to the States, Krampus had thankfully dissipated.   I think he was held at the border by  homeland security. The real Saint Nicholas, a benevolent person who helped children and went around giving selflessly and generously to the poor and needy is a far cry from the man we know today as Santa Claus. The man in the red suit with a big tummy and a white beard pasted on, that hangs out mostly in the malls and has little kids sitting in his lap gets all the credit.   Little people called elves make the gifts we find under the tree on Christmas day (the ones retailers hope we will buy lots of).   It all started this year as my family began a conver
Read more

WHEN MISBEHAVIOR BECOMES THE NORM

Image
Back in the day, when I was involved in running the Adlerian elementary and middle school, I would produce several performances throughout the year.   During the rehearsals leading up to the show, we would always have a few kids who felt discouraged about one thing or another and it would manifest itself in the way they behaved.   All discouragement is, in part, due to feelings of inadequacy, which arise from our belief that we have to earn our worth and our place in this world.   Those same kids would start to act out, not their assigned part, but rather by creating a disturbance back stage, undermining other's efforts and putting their own agenda above the interest of the group.   The way I approached the problem was to avoid getting into it with them and also by not giving them the airtime or an audience.   I asked them to leave the stage, until such time as they were able to participate in a helpful manner. When they returned, (and they always did) we all welcomed
Read more

DOES OUR SOCIETY CONDONE EXCESS POWER, GREED AND CORRUPTION?

Image
One of my favorite movie lines is from Spider Man, when the grandfather, as he is dying on the sidewalk from an attack during a break in, tells young Spider Man: “With great power comes great responsibility!”   The entire scene is an antitheses, pointing out how young Spiderman was greatly wronged and would have any number of reasons for revenge and destruction.   The difference is, Spider Man was not seeking great power, he was sort of bitten by it. He ends up choosing to use his power for the greater good.    In most cases, however, power is intentionally sought by individuals who believe that they are only worthwhile when they have power; preferably unlimited power over others.   At some point, these individuals felt overpowered and concluded that being in the position of power is the preferred place to be.   T o some degree, we all openly or secretly admire those who have achieved great wealth and are in a position of power.   Our society calls these individuals s
Read more