Finding our place of belonging

How is it that when we think we're doing everything we’re supposed to do and follow every good parenting guideline, our kids end up acting irresponsible and at times flat out defiant?   Here is something Alfred Adler talked about: “Perceived Inadequacy”.   What it means is that we are all born dependent on the adults in our lives.   We are limited in our ability to do things for ourselves.  They have all the power.   So right away we kids see the world as not very fair.    We want to feel capable and self reliant but that is an ongoing process.   We have to learn many skills, practice, make numerous mistakes and try again.   All of which  also requires us to have courage and patience.   We also need a few good mentors to help us pave the way into adulthood.    When you think back to when you were a kid, was there a time you remember being irresponsible or even outright defiant? How did you feel?  ...

How do you talk to your kids about their "bad" day in a respectful manner?   I have had several parents ask me, what they can say to their kids when they find out that their kid got in trouble at school or that they are not doing well academically, or when they share that they had a conflict with either another student or a teacher.   To any of these questions one thing to keep in mind is that the relationship always comes first.   If you don’t have the relationship you are not in a position to help your child.   He/she will not hear you.   Furthermore if you are in a fight (open or hidden) you will have very little success in getting their cooperation.   Finding yourself standing in the ring with your boxing gloves on, scowling at each other, ready to draw blood, start taking a step back, breathe and retreat.   If you do not do this, you will lose on all counts.   Believe it or not, you know it’s true.   We’ve all been ...

Mother’s Day has always been a bit of challenging, rocky terrain for me.  Each year as I approach the precipice, I wonder anew, what will be waiting for me on the other side.  It might be because in the past I would look to my family to provide evidence, as to how good, no wait,  how great of a mother I am.   I didn’t grow up having the best relationship with my own mother and I have often felt angry and hurt about the times she wasn’t there when I needed her.   As a mother, I made every attempt to do just the opposite.  Admittedly, the hovering and protecting my child from every possible, invisible doom might have been overdoing it a bit.     But I’ve also come to realize that none of us are perfect.   Still when Mother’s Day rolls around, it once again reminds me of all my possible mess ups and how vulnerable I feel, when I envision them being entered into some esoteric algorithm of measuring up as a mother.   Then so...

Recently I’ve been watching several Ted Talks, as well as other inspirational videos and podcasts.   Those inspirations have definitely served in providing me with enrichment and given me new perspectives and insights.   However, a t the same time, I found myself   somewhat distressed, asking myself if I’m supposed to do something more than what I am already doing.   I started thinking of things in my life that are not where I want them to be and expect them to be and wondering if it is due to some faulty approach.  Or maybe I’m just not doing enough, to make it all happen.   I also wondered; what if others are not finding value in what I am doing, should I do it anyway?   After a few sleepless nights and digging deep, I came up with my answer.  Why am I not the “female” Elon Musk?    Because I am not supposed to be!    We cannot all be Elon Musk.  The world just needs one.   The rest of us are meant...

If you are a parent, who tells your child at drop off:   “Be good! Behave! Do your best today! Have the best day ever!! “You may have all the best intentions, however, unbeknownst to you, you may be setting them up for not such a good day.   Why is that?   Our behaviors are not based on cause and effect, as are other things in nature.   We are motivated by purposefulness.    For example; If I don’t want to be told what to do, and you tell me to be good, I may choose to do the opposite.   Even if I would like to have a good day, help out and cooperate, I cannot let you win by doing what you tell me to do.   Now I’m in a bind!   If the child is in a fight at home, they are going to misbehave wherever  the parent is most vested in the child doing well.   If you want to help your child have a good day, you may want to keep reading and consider trying something different.   The key to anything, is having a good r...

We might as well face it.   The world is changing very rapidly.   Many social and cultural   upheavals over the years have brought about changes to which we all have had to adapt.   At one point in time, we relied heavily on our differences such as skin color, religion, sex, age etc. to help define us and our place in the community.   It was then and it is now, the very thing that is meant to be divisive.  However,  i f not our differences, then what does define us?   We have yet to figure out one very important core concept. Once upon a time when men where the hunter gatherers and women had their place in the home raising their children, once upon a time when roles were distinctively different and well defined, we knew what we could and could not do.   Class, race , sex, age, all the things that pointed out our differences were the things that kept us in our place.   If any one violated the rules they were shamed, fro...

First you have to come to accept that you are already good enough!   Do not keep reading this blog unless you are willing to accept that and the challenge of living imperfectly!   Most of us are vested in how our children turn out.   We want to make sure we’ve done all the right things and given them all the necessary experiences and opportunities, so that they will not fall short later on in life or be a guest on the Oprah show.   We often come to believe that our children are a direct reflection of who we are and therefore our very value as a parent, our very worth is at stake.   There is nothing more vulnerable than becoming a parent.   It’s like you signed up for an emotional bootcamp and you are almost guaranteed to have your ass kicked, and probably more than once.   We play out worse case scenarios and often see our kids lacking somehow.   Alternately we perceive it as our own lack and failure.   We're fearful that th...